I'm so glad I'm driving now after my 40s... I can't imagine myself any more calmer or centered! And working three jobs makes it necessary to have the car! And having my granddaughter visit.
I'm aging. It's so fascinating, and scary, because I never wanted to really age, yet it's all kinds of normal. Why do we deny it? I still think we weren't meant to age, but some thing or some one fucked around with our DNA... then again, I believe in fairies.
Sometimes I wonder what would it be like to outlive everyone else... then I think of outliving my kids and... no. I don't want to. I'd rather age and die and have my kids live out their lives as they should. Without me freaking out.
I hate impersonal government agencies. I wish Teribaby would own up (and her man just man up) and try something else. :( I miss My Michelle. I just want to be left alone. I want to do my own thing, work a lot and sleep, read, eat without anyone trying to interfere or put their two cents in. I want to move in with Ray but not in that tiny apartment. I don't want to move away from Gypsy. sigh. I want my grandbabies. I don't want to leave my jobs. I wish, however, that I lived close enough NOT to have to drive; adversely, I wish for more free time to drive more! I love driving! (yea, that is a huge paradigm shift for me!)
What do I write about? I'm trying to organize all the bills I have to pay. I know payment agencies have to force the issue, but that totally makes me want to not pay them. I don't care about my credit score at this time; it's bad, and won't get better because I go hungry. So they can kiss my ass. Getting the vehicle ready to be driveworthy is more important. This will enable me to say "yes, I can pay this off" instead of "kiss my ass" to the collection agency. Hard luck story indeed. The entire US of A is undergoing a hard luck story. Gonna miss the Sexy Beast car. Almost as much as I miss my Michelle. Oh, saw another dog I would so want to have - but she's not good with cats! WAH!!! and I dn't have the time. Her name was Lucy, sne was a mini pinscher, tan colored, and just awesome face. sigh. I want another dog. I want a life of my own. I want to have my own things in my own place and be able to support myself without resorting to asking another for help. I want my own kitchen and my own bathroom and my own living room to setup as I please. I love having three jobs. I realize I am not happy the way others are happy. I am happy when I'm productive, when I'm moving, when I'm active and self-sufficient. Sitting and relaxing does NOT make me happy. off for other endeavors.
Scared, but with a solution in sight - i am making my landlord suffer and I feel horrible about it, but things have to be paid as well as rent. I don't know how or what to do. But it will all be paid - can't let the car or phone lapse though. dammit. While I smile and seem calm, this fear of the financial realm has me near catatonic. I hope things work out, and that the situation I would like does come up and work out for me!
There are songs that make me feel/think magically, like if it were to move me into another world. Dream Weaver, Gary Wright Let My Love (Open The Door) Peter Townshed Almost anything by The Who, Cream, Led Zeppelin, - hrm.. I'm noting it's a lot of 70s, like The Beatles and a great many of the folk/hippy stuff, and the classic rock stuff. Albums that tell stories - there aren't many of them anymore. :( The Beatles, The Who, The Doors, Alan Parsons Project, Queensryche, Queen - what were they called, concept albums? they were magical. Even modern music has this ability - in a different way, on a different level, techno, synthpop, industrial and goth open doorways to other places for me.
I find myself still bitter and resentful not only towards the JW organization but towards society itself for trying to railroad me into being a good little female. I'm not... I'm proud of being a whore and a bitch and a cunt, a scifi/fantasy reader and a geek and a nerd; a weirdo who dresses funny and wants to act and walk and talk and fight like a man, who worships a female entity on odd days and taoist on even days.. a crazy person who doesn't want to care what society says, but must conform a bit just to be able to get a job and a home and a family... Oh, and oddly enough, my friends all think I'm too happy-go-lucky and joyous to be real... I love being a contradiction. Why is it so strange, when we as humans are dichotomous by nature? Nature itself is sweet and cruel, harsh and easy, cold and hot, all at the same time! Why can't we be contradictions in our own flesh? Why the need to conform?
I really like being able to drive. I don't have to drive every day; that is very liberating. But I like having this independence, and freedom. Gypsy was right! Now, how to keep it? I may end up working my ass off September-December and learning how to severely save, to have my own car. I know generally what I want; a simple, efficient four door sedan. I'll settle for a 2 door if it has good gas mileage - after all, I suspect it will be, for a while, solely for me and my dog. I want to bring Teri here with Neno, but she's not free of her need to be in a relationship with Neno's father, and I don't want him around unless he can provide. Now, that's a catch-22 - 'cause if he can provide, then there's no need for my kid to come live with me. I want to care for this house so bad; fill it with simple furniture and comfortable things. I want to live in a place without fur in every corner and be warm. I may have to leave once Michelly passes away; this fills me with pain but where can I find a good, safe but cheap apartment that will allow my dog?